Published in Open Exchange Magazine April-June 2008
How many times have you said or heard others say things like “I’ll TRY,” I DON’T KNOW”,” OR “I CAN’T”? All three of these are essentially cop-out lies. No, this is not a criticism of anyone. But let me demonstrate how these are strong self-sabotage phrases.
TRY:
In the second of the original Star Wars trilogy, The Empire Strikes Back, Luke goes into training with Yoda, the last Jedi Master. At one point in the training Yoda takes Luke to the edge of the swamp into which his ship had sunk. Yoda tells Luke to use the “Force” (really the power of the mind) to raise his ship from the muck and mire. Luke keeps protesting that he is not yet strong enough to do that. Yoda just keeps encouraging him until finally, with exasperation, Luke says, “OK Yoda, I’ll try to do it.”
Yoda looks up and says, “Try? There is not try. There is only do or not do.” Luke then raised up his ship with the “Force.”
In the first Matrix movie, Morpheus is training Neo in hand to hand combat, using his great skills. No matter how much Neo “tried” to hit Morpheus he failed. After a while Morpheus stops and calmly said to Neo, “Stop TRYING to hit me and just hit me!” Neo then proceeded to beat n Morpheus. I call these “The YODA/MATRIX Principle.”
Without consulting the dictionary, how do you define the word TRY? Some common ones are: to make an effort, attempt, exert, change, make a commitment to proceed, etc. All of these are vague and noncommittal.
The teacher who examines your work and says, “You’ve almost got it. TRY once more.” How are you feeling at this point? Typical responses of my clients are: angry, stupid, frustrated, depressed, irritated, rebellious, ready to give up, resentful. In most cases the word TRY implies failure, possible failure or not taking responsibility.
How about this one? “If at first you don’t succeed, T-R-Y, T-R-Y again.” As long as we say TRY there is no real commitment. Have you ever asked somebody, “Will you pick me up at the airport? My plane lands at 6:00.” “OK, I’ll try to be there.” Are you going to wait for him?
The word TRY is a lie! We either do something or we don’t.
CAN’T:
Sure, there are some physical things I am, at least in my mind, incapable of doing. For example, at my current age and physical condition I CAN’T run a 4 minute mile. If I went outside of the 8 story building where I have my office and crouched down and TRIED to leap from the roof in “a single bound” I would fail. I CAN’T do that.
Those are not the things to which I am referring. I am talking about facing our true inner selves and issues or being really open and honest with ourselves and others. “Oh, I CAN’T let him see the real me, he won’t like it and will leave.” By the way, this is a very commonly held belief, often outside of our conscious awareness. Another common one is “No, I CAN’T tell her how I really feel. It might hurt her.”
In the case of CAN’T we are lying to ourselves primarily. We are avoiding being acountable/responsible for our lives. We are avoiding being honest! CAN’T appears to be overtly positive, as do TRY and I DON’T KNOW, yet they always carry with them the possibility of failure. I CAN’T really means I WON’T.
I DON’T KNOW:
When asked what we want to do, we often answer, I DON’T KNOW! When asked how we feel about something or someone, we often answer I DON’T KNOW.
I DON’T KNOW is also a lie. We know everything about ourselves, what we want, how we are feeling. Sometimes we are aware of the answer but do not want to let others know we know, so we answer I DON’T KNOW!
Fear is a magnet for what we fear, it can be a self-fulfilling prophesy. When we are willing to be honest with ourselves and others, despite the scare, it is an opportunity to resolve and release the fear. “Wow, he didn’t leave me!” When we refuse to experience what we are afraid of, it is reinforcement for the fear.
I’LL TRY, I CAN’T & I DON’T KNOW keep us stuck and avoiding accountability and responsibility for our lives. Consciously catching ourselves using these words and phrases and changing them into empowering words can be a delightful experience! Instead of TRY, you might say “I will.” Instead of I CAN’T, you might be honest and say, “I don’t want to.” Instead of saying I DON’T KNOW, you could say “I don’t want to go there right now” or “I’m not ready to know that yet.”
Listen to the world around you and the language people use. How might your life be different if you DID instead of TRY or CAN’T or if you KNEW instead of I DON’T KNOW?
